


From the (Supposedly) Private Journal of Clint Barton, S.H.I.E.L.D Sniper

by Bandearg_Rois



Category: Marvel Avengers Movies Universe, The Avengers (2012)
Genre: M/M, Not A Fix-It, Oh Gods Why Am I Doing This, Physical Abuse, Power Play, all from OCs
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-06-21
Updated: 2012-08-23
Packaged: 2017-11-08 08:53:40
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,467
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/441418
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Bandearg_Rois/pseuds/Bandearg_Rois
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When Clint Barton joined S.H.I.E.L.D. he was given a garishly pink leatherbound journal and told to write his private thoughts. Of course, nothing's ever private in S.H.I.E.L.D., no matter how low on the ladder you are.</p><p>(Exerpts from The Pink Book, including the proof that it's not as private as it should be)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The Early Years

**Author's Note:**

> There is some pretty bad physical abuse in this story (punching, withholding necessities, etc.). It's not the focus, and it's frankly treated quite flippantly, but only because this is from Clint's Journal, and not because it's not serious, or taken seriously by anyone else.
> 
> Just thought I'd throw that in there.
> 
> For more spoilery warnings, see the end notes. (thanks to Tama_Abi for pointing that out, sorry this is so late)

Dear Agent Coulson (since I ~~NO~~  ( _KNOW_ )  ~~youll~~  ( _you'll_ )  ~~steel~~  ( _steal_ ) this from my room and read it even tho( _ugh_ ) you said its private),

 

Today's ~~mishun~~  ( _mission_ ) was pretty easy. I sat on my ass for 14 hours while ~~negosh-~~  ( _negotiations_ ) the agents did some talking, and then shot 3 guys in the face when shit went south. Then I got my bow taken away (again) and locked into my room like a little kid who did something wrong. Just because I shot one guy in the right eye instead of the left.

 

Someone please ~~explane~~  the logic in me getting better when I'm not ~~allowd~~  ( _allowed_ ) to practice (Sitwell revoked my range access for that right eye) or even service my weapons. Sitwell and Hill think I'm dumber than a box of rocks just because I didn't go to college, and I think that's bullshit.

 

Clint Barton, S.H.I.E.L.D.

April 23, 2001 (no clue what time; no clock in my room)

 

_Barton,_

 

_Your place is not to question the actions of your superiors. I took the liberty of correcting your spelling and punctuation for you; if you'd like I can have a book about writing well delivered to your quarters. At the very least you will have a dictionary. As for Sitwell and Hill, get used to it. They think anyone not permanently behind a desk is stupid._

 

_Coulson_

_April 30, 2001_

 

~*~*~*~

 

Agent Coulson,

 

I'm putting it through official channels, but just in case the paperwork 'gets lost', I'm writing it here, too. I'm requesting a new handler. I know it's my fourth handler in a year, but Wilson punched me in the face again. He said I disobeyed a direct order. His order? No food or water while on Op. Our last Op lasted 3 days. So I took water. The last time he hit me (kicked me in the side, remember I told you when I was in Medical after Beirut) was because I went to the Range at my arranged training time. I'm sick and fucking tired of being handed off to abusive handlers. Even Newbies are better than this shit. I want him gone.

 

As for the mission itself (yes I wrote a mission report too, keep your pants on), it was really boring. I sat around for 70 hours and I didn't even get to shoot anything. And a bird took a shit in my hair. And I'm locked in my room. Again. They took my books and my blanket. I think I have a cold. The A/C's up and also? I have no shoelaces.

 

Barton

November 7, 2003

 

 

_Barton,_

 

_Wilson is no longer an issue. You're now assigned to Jackson, paperwork pending. Go to Medical and get treatment for the gunshot from Bucharest; I know it's more than a graze, no matter what the reports say. Your books and other personal effects will be returned before you get finished there. Once you're off medical leave (and not a moment before), you'll be free to return to the Range. Don't let it get this bad again, Barton. Happy Thanksgiving._

 

_Coulson_

_November 25, 2003_

 

~*~*~*~

 

Coulson,

 

If I don't have a new handler by the end of the month, Carlton will find himself a victim of defenestration, and there aren't any windows at HQ. The man tried to have my bow destroyed as incentive to use firearms more often. When he complains about his shoulder, I want you to know that I Regret Nothing.

 

Onto happier news, glad to hear you're back on your feet. Not sure if you remember, but I finagled (wow 2 words from your word-a-day calendar in one entry? how awesome is that?) my way onto the team that went out to get you. That was a shit mission, just so you know. I would have called it. But you already know that, because you're you.

 

Romanov left me a present, by the way. Markov's signet ring was under my pillow. It's like she's a Russian tooth fairy who leaves evidence instead of money. So whenever you want to come get that.

 

I'm looking forward to Budapest, though. I'll finally be with a team I trust.

 

Barton

June 9, 2006

 

_Barton_

 

_Carlton has been dealt with. The paperwork hit my desk before I even saw this. You're mine now. Markov's been noted. For Budapest: Wheels up at 1700; don't be late. And bring your bow._

 

_Coulson_

_June 12, 2006_


	2. After Budapest

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Journal continues.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> More physical abuse noted in this chapter, though again, it's not graphic or treated with any sort of gravity. This is Clint's journal, and it does get handled rather quickly and seriously once it's brought up.

Coulson,

 

Okay, Cristalina? Was a shit mission. I swear, Sitwell has actually gotten more rigid the longer I've known him. If he'd flexed even once, that wouldn't have been such a shitshow. I mean I had the guy in my sights like 9 times, and he was alone for most of those, it'd have been so easy...

 

I see you let Tash break her arm, shame on you, sir. Of course, she told me something about finishing the mission with her thighs, so the broken arm might have been calculated on her part, I'm not sure.

 

When are you going to handle me again? I miss our missions.

 

Love,

Barton

 

January 19, 2009

 

_Barton,_

 

_The purpose of your placement with various handlers such as Sitwell is to guage our strengths and weaknesses. Sitwell has requested to be removed from the field indefinitely unless in a support capacity, if that makes you feel any better. I'd have given you the go order the third time you saw him alone, personally. Don't tell Jasper._

 

_As for Tasha, she did indeed do that to herself on purpose, so don't look at me like I was the one that dislocated and snapped her ulna._

 

_Also, the only reason that I'm not writing you up for innuendo is because no one sees this but me. Friday you have liberty; you know where I live._

 

_Coulson_

 

_January 20, 2009_

 

 

~*~*~*~

 

 

Coulson,

 

I'm not sure what to say. It's been almost 6 years now, and I still can't even write that you're... fuck. I went to the ceremony, you know. Your mom cried all over me for like an hour. I'm pretty sure I cried on her, too, but don't tell anybody. Fury told me what you said, about them needing a push... Well, they got the push, asshole. Captain America is actually kind of an asshole, just so you know. At least, he is to me. Not sure if it's because of the Loki thing or the you thing. Probably both. Stark's as assholish as ever, though he's made me some pretty good toys. I think he knows now about you and me, even though the only one I told was Tash, and she already knew. Captain America probably smelled it on me or something, because I sure as shit never told him either.

 

I don't know how much longer I can do this. Write in this journal and not see an answer, wake up in the morning and not call you or not be next to you. I thought I was strong, but this... I don't know if I'm gonna make it. I just... I ~~miss you so much~~  wish you could write back, you know? Tell me I'm not being stupid, that I can handle it, that you'll always be there, even though I know that's a lie. I know we never made promises to each other, never even really defined it, but.... I kind of wish we had.

 

I guess I'll keep writing, until I can't anymore, huh? Guess that's the only thing I can do, anymore.

 

Barton

 

March 22, 2019

 

 

 

~*~*~*~

 

 

Agent Coulson,

 

This is Steve Rogers. I found this with the rest of Clint's things and thought I'd update you on his status. Clint died 3 weeks ago in an attack on Manhattan, when the building he was on collapsed, taking him with it. 

 

I didn't read any of the entries, except those that had my name in them. I want you to know that I never hated Clint, not for anything he's done, and especially not for his relationship with you. If you could tell him that, that would be great. I noticed that the last entry was dted around 10 years ago, which makes sense. I'm not sure if that entry told you anything, but Clint and Bruce started talking more then. I'm not sure of the nature of their relationship, since they're both very private people, but I think they helped each other a lot. So Clint was being taken care of down here.

 

I'm not sure what else to say, actually, so I'll leave it here. Goodbye, Phil.

 

Steve Rogers, Captain America

 

September 3, 2034

 

 

~*~*~*~

 

_"Can you believe it, babe? Captain America wrote to you in that crummy little journal of mine. Never thought I'd see that."_

 

_"Shut up, Barton. Here comes Tasha."_

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> Also, it deals with Coulson's death, and eventually Clint and Natasha's, though none of it is graphic.


End file.
